Secret Santa

Andrew Shaffer studied writing at Chicago's The Second City and is now a columnist for Huffington Post and RT Book Reviews. He created an atheist seasonal card company that was featured on The Colbert Report and co-owns the independent publisher 8th Circle Press. Shaffer became a NY Times bestselling author with humorous works like Fifty Shames of Earl Grey and How to Survive a Sharknado and Other Unnatural Disasters. I was searching for a holiday read and stumbled on his 2020 horror comedy Secret Santa. It was published by Quirk Books and is available in physical, digital, audio formats.

The novel takes place in 1980s New York and stars a spunky publishing editor named Lussi Meyer (and a hideous Nazi Devil Doll). Lussi's career has mostly consisted of publishing horror, but most recently she lost her editing job and has joined the ranks of the woefully unemployed. Desperate to pay the rent, Lussi's final attempt as an editor leads her to a prestigious publisher called Blackwood-Patterson. The building is old, the publisher has lost its way, and Lussi dreads working for this snooty “hardback” company. 

During the job interview, Lussi reminds the owner that Blackwood-Patterson hasn't produced a bestselling novel in over a decade. There's some banter back and forth on horror novels and the owner's idea that it's a distasteful genre. Rudely, she's asked to leave. But, before her departure, Lussi spots an old German doll (the hideous Nazi Devil Doll) in the owner's office. While handling the creepy toy, the owner has a heart attack and dies.

The owner's son has distanced himself from the publisher and isn't enthralled with the idea of running the company. After talking with Lussi, he requests that she work for him to reverse the publisher's declining sales performance. In doing so, Lussi introduces the concept of genre publishing and focuses on horror manuscripts that have been rejected. But, they haven't just been rejected. They have been placed in the building's dark and dusty basement to rot with rat feces and mildew. Needless to say, the publisher really hates genres (and would despise Paperback Warrior).

Lussi spends her time reading some good horror manuscripts and pissing off the charismatic chief editor nicknamed The Raven. But, at the annual office Christmas party, Lussi involuntarily takes part in a Secret Santa game where inebriated employees receive gifts from anonymous co-workers. Lussi's gift ends up being the creepy, disturbing Nazi Devil Doll from the former owner's office. Soon, Lussi realizes that her co-workers are being injured or killed based on the murderous magic of this ancient relic.

Secret Santa works as an average horror comedy. It's gross in all the right places and contains the obligatory funny dialogue to glue it together. I enjoyed the 1980s publishing lingo and Lussi's quest to find the next Stephen King, Dean Koontz or Peter Straub (the trinity of modern horror). Lussi is a lovable protagonist and the assembly of characters made it enjoyable. In terms of horror, I liken it to Grady Hendrix's Horrorstor - a new employee takes on a difficult assignment while battling workplace horror. If that's your thing, then Secret Santa is a wonderful gift. Buy a copy HERE

Eve Ronin #02 - Bone Canyon

Script writer and novelist Lee Goldberg rocketed into the New York Times Bestseller list with the successful series Fox & O'Hare, co-authored by Janet Evanovich (Stephanie Plum, Knight and Moon). Along with successful titles like Monk, Charlie Willis, and Ian Ludlow, Goldberg has recently concentrated his efforts on Eve Ronin, a crime-fiction title that began in 2019 with Lost Hills. I read and reviewed the novel and found it to be an exciting, high-quality start to the series. In 2021, the second Eve Ronin novel, Bone Canyon, was published. It's available in physical, digital, and audio editions.

In Lost Hills, Goldberg introduced Eve, a rookie homicide detective working for the Robbery-Homicide division of the Lost Hills Sheriff's station, a mid-sized city in South-Central California. Eve is despised by most of her fellow officers for short cutting the seniority climb. After an off-duty arrest of an intoxicated, disorderly celebrity, Eve discovered that the incident was captured on video and released to social media. The incident and footage made her the local hero and a political pawn utilized by the Los Angeles County Sheriff's office. Needing the positive image, they promoted Eve, a prior patrol cop, to homicide detective. In the debut novel, Eve solidifies her local hero status by valiantly solving a triple murder. 

What makes Eve a different type of hero is how much she avoids fame and fortune. After a second video becomes viral, her media status escalates. A Hollywood agent wants to sign her for a television deal, endless reporters want an exclusive, and her mother and sister both want her to look glamorous for her newfound spotlight. But Eve doesn't care about anything other than her job. She's resilient and steadfast in her mission to serve the people. She repeatedly declines TV deals and interviews and continues working cases with her soon-to-be retired partner Duncan “Doughnuts” Pavone. Eve is Duncan's mentor, a relationship that transcends from student and master to something more akin to a niece and uncle. 

In Bone Canyon, Eve and Duncan are called to investigate the remains of a human skull found in the Santa Monica Mountains. During the search for more bone fragments, Eve is introduced to a bookish, yet charismatic anthropologist named Daniel. The two immediately have a chemistry and Eve relies on Daniel's experience to piece together a fragmented skeleton. In doing so, Daniel locates more skeletal remains of another individual. This discovery expands the examination into two cases that are possibly unrelated. 

Through trials and tribulation, Eve and Duncan face physical and emotional adversity. There's political upheaval when the two detectives trace the clues back to a fraternity of officers within the Los Angeles Sheriff's Department. Eve's mental fortitude is put to the test when she carefully walks a balance beam of time-management, health, and her eroding camaraderie with her co-workers. In addition to the work stress, her family life continues to be a burden. Her mother, a comical whirlwind, remains persistent in belittling Eve's career choices. In an important side-story, Eve's sister introduces her to a physical therapist in hopes that it paves the way to romance. 

Bone Canyon is superb procedural fiction, complete with action, suspense, and an exhilarating pace. Every page means something. Aside from the twists and turns of the case, readers are thrust further into Eve's personal life, with a more dynamic awareness of her love life, personal attrition, media stardom, and her inevitable future without the veteran experience of Duncan. 

This novel is a real cornerstone of the series, one that places Eve at the proverbial crossroads – fight for the truth despite the deadly risk or find solace by gratifying the corruption. Her against-the-grain attitude and determination makes her one of the most independent characters in ages. Her decisions are hers alone to make, and even Lee Goldberg has no say in the matter. She's doing it her way, and her way is what readers will love. I can't wait for the next one.

Buy a copy of the book HERE

The Penetrator #02 - Blood on the Strip

With the success of The Executioner, Pinnacle began creating titles that captured the action-oriented, vigilante feel. In 1973, the publisher released The Target is H, the first novel of The Penetrator series. It ran a total of 53 installments under the house name of Lionel Derrick. The odd numbers were written by Mark K. Roberts and the even installments by Chet Cunningham. I enjoyed the series debut and wanted to revisit the character. The second entry, Blood on the Strip, was published in October, 1973.

Cunningham begins the novel with an eight-page prologue recapping the character's origin story and events from the first book. The series can be read in any order and features hero Mark Hardin as a Vietnam veteran fighting crime vigilante style. He's aided by two behind-the-scenes allies in Professor Hawkins and a Native American named Red Eagle. This opener explains that Hardin destroyed a California mob family and he's now prowling Las Vegas searching for his next mission.

The book's opening chapters has Hardin detonating charges at a talent agency called Starmaker. After, he heads to Professor Hawkins and Red Eagle to summarize events in Vegas. Thus, his recount to them makes up this entire novel and explains the sequence of events that led to Starmaker's fiery destruction. I like when books start with the conclusion and then map out how these events developed. It's like starting with the Oreo stuffing.

Hardin meets a young woman named Sally Johnson, an aspiring model and actress trying to earn a living in Vegas. At a restaurant bar, she advises Hardin that the talent agency she is using wants her to begin stripping and prostituting. When she refuses, they issue violent threats. When Hardin attempts to escort Johnson to her car, he's jumped by enforcers of the agency. Sally is cut to shreds and left to bleed out in the parking lot. Thankfully, she's rushed to the hospital and Hardin begins assembling a plan of attack. 

Cunningham's narrative keeps a steady pace as Hardin investigates the agency and its owner. In what will become a familiar formula, the investigation leads to some hit and run tactics destroying parts of this immense criminal empire. The villain behind the agency is like a knockoff female nemesis of James Bond. She keeps sex slaves locked in cages and eventually captures Sally to lead Hardin to her enforcers. Readers know how the story ends, but the ride is a lot of fun.

Since this was Cunningham's first Penetrator novel, I think this installment is a feeling out process. Hardin doesn't necessarily behave in the same manner in future novels and it becomes less elementary and neanderthal. Roberts had a better version of the hero in the debut, but Cunningham eventually finds a connection to the character and delivers equally enjoyable installments (so I've been told). If you love  the 1970s men's action-adventure genre, The Penetrator is in the upper echelon.

Levon Cade #01 - Levon's Trade

Chuck Dixon is a famous comic book writer whose work on Marvel’s Punisher series is regarded as a masterwork of the medium. Since then, he has been writing novels, including a popular vigilante series starring Levon Cade. The series debut from 2014, Levon’s Trade, has recently been reprinted by Wolfpack Publishing. 

The novel opens in a depressed Huntsville, Alabama. Levon Cade is lucky to have a gig as a graveyard shift security guard on a construction site. The novel wastes no time establishing that Levon is a no-joke badass as he disarms and dispatches two thugs shaking down a Guatemalan laborer at the site. 

We learn that Levon is a man with a particular set of skills learned during his shadowy time in the military. Joe Bob is Levon’s boss who does some homework and figures out that there’s more to his security guard than meets the eye. Joe Bob’s daughter is a college student in Tampa who has gone missing, and he hires Levon to find her. Levon’s got his own troubles involving an expensive custody battle over his daughter. Bottom line: he needs the money, and accepts the gig. 

Levon travels to Florida to investigate, and the reader is given further glimpses into our hero’s character and capabilities. He’s a quiet and stoic badass with an almost supernatural ability to appear, disappear, and fight - like a ninja in blue jeans. As he gets closer to the truth and his Russian prison gang adversaries come into greater focus, the author avoids the temptation of delivering a cartoonish or over-the-top action story, instead opting for gritty realism. 

Anyone who has ever read a Jack Reacher novel by Lee Child and wished it was written with the lean economy of a 200-page paperback from the 1970s will be very pleased with Levon’s Trade. Dixon writes in extremely short, punchy chapters with no irrelevant diversions. The characters are developed through their actions, not through the pages of introspective thought and inner monologues. Levon Cade is a Pinnacle Books action hero for the 21st Century. 

There appears to be nine books thus far in the Levon Cade series - all offered at affordable prices with attractive covers. If the other books maintain the same level of pace and quality as this debut, it may be the best contemporary men’s adventure series on the market. As large publishing houses demand bloated 400-page novels to sell at Walmart and airport magazine shops, it’s a breath of fresh air to read a series that remembers what made the genre great. Chuck Dixon is the real deal, and Levon Cade is the modern hero we deserve.

Buy a copy of the book HERE

Death Merchant #25 - The Enigma Project

In November, 1977, Pinnacle published the 25th installment of Joseph Rosenberger's Death Merchant series. My reasonably intact paperback shows it is the second printing, a clue that this series was a big moneymaker for the publisher. Mostly, you can read the series in any order and the concept is really simple. Richard Camellion is a CIA agent, dubbed Death Merchant, that patrols the globe quelling international threats. Rosenberger thumbed through magazines like National Geographic to place his hero in exotic and dangerous locales to heighten the sense of adventure. In this case, it is the mountains of Ararat.

The Enigma Project begins with Camellion as an undercover mountain climber who has joined the Jasper Grundy Bible Institute. In the opening chapters, it's explained that this faux religious group was created by the CIA to use on a rainy day. The mission is for Camellion to climb to the heights of the Ararat mountains to place a specially designed, high resolution camera. This camera will quickly capture hundreds of photos that the CIA can analyze. The goal is to locate strategically placed satellite installations being utilized by the Soviet Union in Armenia. Or, something like that.

Camellion and two supporting agents join the study group under the intention of guiding them to a fabled position where Noah's Ark may rest. The group travel to Turkey on a helicopter, but unbeknownst to the passengers, the CIA has created a unique panel system that houses a small armory inside. This is unveiled to the passengers when they discover Camellion and others are packing heat for the climb. Camellion explains that mountain bandits and Armenians don't typically settle by just throwing rocks at unwanted guests. What he doesn't explain is that the group is expendable and their unfortunate deaths will be a sacrifice for the greater good.

Halfway up the snowy passage, the group encounter Soviet Armenians. In a series of exchanges, Camellion and his supporting agents fight the bad guys en route to the top. Problems include avalanches, harsh weather, Soviets, and a nagging religious scholar. Rosenberger writes the action sequences smoothly and places readers in the battle by describing who's on the flank, the perimeter defenses, and the combatants next moves. It's completely vivid and provides enough escapism for the average cubicle worker.

This series is fun in limited interactions. I prefer gritty team-combat novels, but in a pinch Death Merchant can provide some enjoyment. This installment is par for the course. Mileage may vary.

The Institute

Master storyteller Stephen King has honed in on a horror sub-genre – kids with psychic abilities on the run from a shadowy organization. He first utilized the concept with 1981's Firestarter, featuring telepath Charlene McGee on the run from a government agency called The Shop. His novel Doctor Sleep features an organization called True Knot hunting down kids and adults with “the shining.” King serves this platter with his 2019 novel The Institute. It was published by Scribner and exists in multiple formats. Based on King's prior works, I would imagine a streaming show, graphic novel series, or the movie is already in the works.

My paperback version weighs in at 650 pages, so there's a lot to unpack. The novel's first 50 pages is like the first act of a 1950s crime-noir (or John Ball's Tallon series) as readers are introduced to the former Florida police officer Tim Jamieson. Tim is paid to relinquish his seat on a commercial airliner to make room for a government employee. After deciding to pocket the refund and extra money, Tim hitchhikes up I-95 from Florida to New York. But, he ends up in the cozy town of Du Pray, South Carolina and immediately falls in love with its Mayberry-like charm. He takes a night security post with the small, local police department and slowly becomes ingrained into Du Pray's lovable population. He then disappears from the narrative for the next 400 pages.

Protagonist Luke Ellis is introduced as a likable 12-year old genius that possesses telekinetic abilities. In the middle of the night, masked individuals break into Luke's Minneapolis home and kill his parents. The intruders drug Luke and he awakens in The Institute, a secret facility in a rural stretch of Maine forest. He quickly meets other kidnapped children, who form a sort of “loser's club” to overcome their scary predicament. The children earn tokens for being good, which they can use to purchase extra goodies like alcohol, marijuana, and cigarettes. The staff is led by Mrs. Sigsby, who oversees experiments on the children to heighten their telekinetic powers.

The book's first half focuses on Luke and his friends stay in a section called the “Front Half”, a safer portion of the facility where the staff is mostly nice and the experiments aren't excessively painful. Luke is asked to stare at lights and dots while subjected to daily doses of injections. The torment of Front Half is that these kids don't know what became of their prior lives. Luke wonders what happened to his parents and what his role is with the institute. Sigsby motivates the kids by advising them they will wake up in their own homes with their memories erased of everything that transpired there. As time goes on, Luke's friends are individually chosen, against their will, to relocate to Back Half. It's here that he learns that the kids are subjected to horrific torture and most don't survive the ordeal. To avoid being taken to Back Half, Luke must escape the institute.

Needless to say, there's a lot more to the novel than simply imprisonment and escape. Luke befriends a staff member and she has her own backstory. The novel tiptoes to the grand reveal, which is the purpose and use of the institute. There's the inevitable meeting between Tim and Luke, and at that point King transforms the novel from horror to action-thriller. All of these elements build to a giant crescendo, but like King's historic flaw, the ending leaves a lot to be desired.

My biggest issue with King's modern work is that he injects plenty of commentary on the political landscape (of course he jabs Donald Trump) and has a lot to say about debt. There's a centerpiece about credit cards and revolving bills that plague our society. Why King feels as if he knows anything about the average American is beyond me. He is worth a half-billion, earns $20-million per year and has had the right to call himself a millionaire for 40+ years. It's this sort of thing that dampens The Institute.

For example, King says that Tim is paid just $100 per week to work for the police force. He also has Tim pay an Uber driver with physical cash that the airline provided to him as a refund. The real world doesn't work this way. It's as if King is so far removed from everyday life that his stories lose some plausibility. The Institute really didn't need the uneducated social commentary and the obvious disconnect removed me from some aspects of the story.

Nevertheless, I mostly liked The Institute and found Tim and Luke's story enthralling. King hasn't lost any of his storytelling abilities, but he has started to blur the lines between his abstract horror creations and all-out action-thrillers. If you can appreciate the modern day version of Stephen King, you'll love The Institute.

Get the book HERE

Narc #02 - Death of a Courier

Marc Olden (1933-2003) is a familiar name for crime-fiction fans. He authored series titles like Black Samurai, Narc (as Robert Hawkes), and The Harker File. In addition to series titles, Olden penned 17 stand-alone novels and two works of non-fiction. We've covered both Black Samurai and Narc and I was anxious to read more of his work. After enjoying his Narc debut, I wanted to revisit the character with the second installment, Death of a Courier. It was published by Signet in 1974.

You can read the series in any order. The gist is that John Bolt is a seasoned narcotics agent working for a government agency called D-3. The agency has ten regional setups covering all 50 states. Nine of these operations cover 49 states, the tenth covers New York City, where Bolt has worked for over a decade. He reports to Sam Rand, who then reports to a guy named Craven, D-3's head honcho. 

Death of a Courier lives up to its name. The novel's premise is that drug couriers for Vincent DeTorres, a Cuban mob, are being murdered by enforcers working for a New York mobster named Don Rummo. Bolt's entrance into this drug war begins in Central Park when a courier he is tailing is shot and killed by hired guns. Reporting the incident, Bolt then learns that couriers in big cities are being killed. He then gains the assignment of digging into the details, and this is where Olden shines.

Undercover, Bolt infiltrates DeTorres' mob by partnering with an enforcer named Ortega. There are numerous firefights, but the most memorable one entails 20-pages. In it, Bolt and Ortega find themselves in a Detroit airport to receive a large shipment of heroin. Thankfully, the deal falls apart and the scene explodes as these warring factions shoot it out in close quarters. Bolt's use of a .45 Colt and shotgun reminded me of the intensity of the opening scene in the series debut. Olden describes these action scenes with so much detail that readers can almost smell the cordite. 

While the war between rival mobs is really interesting, Olden introduces another exciting addition to the plot. There is an included backstory of Bolt's former partner, Paris, being brutally beaten by racists. In rehabilitation, Paris feels that the agency failed him. Months later, Paris kills the racists and enters a life of criminality. Bolt learns that Paris has re-emerged as an enforcer for Don Rummo and that he has vowed to kill seven Narc agents, one for each year that he served the agency.

Needless to say, Death of a Courier was simply awesome. Olden is a great storyteller and I felt that the narrative was soaked with realism. A year before this novel, the author wrote a non-fiction book titled Cocaine, a deep dive into New York's drug trade. Partially due to this, the Narc series doesn't seem terribly far-fetched like a Butcher or Death Merchant entry. Further, Olden's martial-arts studies lends credit to some of the fight scenes. 

If you are bored with the superhuman vigilante stuff, Narc is a must read title. These books are becoming more and more pricey, so I encourage you to get them now. Remember to search under Olden's pseudonym of Robert Hawkes. You'll thank me later.